Since I was young, I liked being alone. It is not as if I hate the comfort of others’ presence, in fact, I like it very much. It is just what I prefer. A little girl in Ulu Yam accompanied by cats who lived in the roof and a garden. That was the kind of child I was. I do not hate my childhood, but there are so many things I wish I could do differently. However, that is the beauty of life, right? Not being able to choose the right thing at times and having regrets. In the end, I met good friends on the way and developed interests that made me happy even until now.

 

Growing up, I was confused as to what I wanted to become. I always thought that being a writer would be nice. My late dad knew that I enjoyed reading, so he often brought me to Kinokuniya. My mom reminded me not to spend too much though. Then, my mind shifted and I wanted to become a lawyer, most probably to fit in with the standards of the world. My dreams kept changing. At one point, I dreamt of being an astronomer. I know this is a ridiculous dream that a lot of children have. I never voiced it out loud, though. I liked the idea of observing the universe and I was probably moved by To the Moon, an RPG game.

 

Eventually, I gave up on such dreams. I gave up on all dreams actually. It is not as saddening as you think. In actuality, I enjoy living life not knowing what comes next. Kim Namjoon, the leader of the famous Korean Pop group, BTS, once said, “The future is now, and our now is living our future”. I think it is nice to be comforted by such words. I am well-versed in the principles I have set for myself­: 1) do not become an unnecessary burden to my family, 2) continue learning until the day I die and 3) fulfil my duties as a Muslim. These are the dreams I have set for myself. It is not concrete, but it resonates with me the most unlike any other dream jobs I had in mind.

 

I still enjoy reading, but I do not read more than 10 books in a year. I take a lot of time to digest texts now in comparison to my 12-year-old self wrapping up 500 pages of a novel in one night. Maybe, my book choices have become more intricate and complicated to understand, or maybe I have developed a short attention span. I feel like the answer is both. I do enjoy drawing too, but I need to have sparks of inspiration. Sometimes, the light in my life dims for such a long time, and I cease to do everything I love. My biggest flaw that I can think of is my inconsistency.

 

With that being said, I am a pretty normal teenager-turning-into-an-adult. Like most people, I still dream of traveling. I do not know when the pandemic situation will die down, or if this is just the calm before the storm. I just want to go out there and help as many people as possible. I have no idea how to achieve that. Giving and giving will exhaust you eventually, but it does not matter. Anything will exhaust you. It is just a matter of whether or not you will be reminded of your roots along the way.

 

I hate feeling cold, but I would love to go to Reykjavik and drink in all of its beauty. The wondrous Northern lights that Allah created, I need to see it.